"the Kübler-Ross model"

this is a poem of revelation, of
reassurance, and of
encouragement

(hmm, not much over here, just how i've been through the Kübler-Ross model, which i've talked about for more-than-i-can-remember times, heck, i even made it into a short film, so why should anyone listen to me?)

so there's no grandiloquence involved
totally honest and unpretentious
this is me, speaking right in front of you
my saliva rolling into the pores of your face
my pupils contracting in your pupils
more intimate than my sexuality will ever allow us to be
(just a disclaimer)

ok so
what you are going through now might be
darker than the darkest night
and your heart may sink
deeper than the 18 levels of hell
or break
like the bullet's blowing of a brain
(i'm not sure how you feel so i'm just basing this on my experiences and i'm thinking they might be similar)

it does feel terrible, mostly because it is unique
a heartbreak like this feels nothing like, say,
the loss of a family member
(tragic experiences aren't comparable with one another anyway, no point in belitting anyone or anything, just saying)
(anyway my point is)
you shouldn't feel any shame
nope, not AT ALL
unfold your heart, speak LOUD, and talk to me as you have
nothing – i repeat –
nothing, to hide from this ghastly world

i think there are two ways to deal with it
you either crash like the waves of the atlantic or
empty the tissues of your brain
it either becomes a bloody warzone or
a temple for your mind to meditate

(ok this is getting really long-winded but so is the process of letting go
so it's oddly fitting
it came to me in a dream that it takes 38 months to do so, i mean, to let go
please bear with me)

it is inevitable
the Kübler-Ross model
except for denial
which I never did undergo

what was there to deny?
there were months of signs that we both ignored
i felt shame and regret the moment they mounted me, and

what could I be angry about?
what, scream at inanimate objects
as if i was in an Oscarbait scene?
(This is a poem
A POEM)

i fell right into the
pit
of
depression
and cracked my backbone in two splendid portions

i could not and still cannot pinpoint any wrongdoing
yet we wronged each other in all the ways possible
no acts of infidelity, distrust, or slander
just the manifestation of the green-eyed monster

countless whatifs
countless memories
montages moving in my mind
quickly, then slower than time, then quickly again

countless cantopop ballads
countless hipster movies
(her, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, lost in translation, 500 days of summer, the list goes on and on...)
words digging through my skull
rapidly like a motor, then crushing with agony, then rapidly again

two years of suffering
(which of course is nothing compared to other people's misfortunes but

I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.

so imma let me finish)
then as i thought i was getting better
as i thought it was f a  d   i    n    g      a     w      a       y

現在剩我一個 想起曾經
我爲何未懂得自白
我為何未捨得學習
恃住雄辯滔滔 隨便的把你喝罵

(among all the lyricists in the world, can you even fathom that it was chan wing him who awoke me?)

i was wrong

about nobody being wrong

i wronged him and

wronged myself along

You see, it's the slow knife... the knife that takes its time, the knife that waits years without forgetting, then slips quietly between the bones... that's the knife that cuts deepest.

catharsis

painful, was it?

yes, definitely

but if given the chance, i'd volunteer for it again

what does a phoenix prefer more –

burning, or getting reborn?

i guess we can never know

as she's no longer the same as before

and if you (– yes, back to you –) miss the fleeting, flickering flame

just keep in mind each other's names

feel free to relish in your shame

it's something no one else can ever claim

it's something you won and overcame

and now we're back to the very beginning

are you still looking at me?

(my pupils are distinctively hazel, as you must already know)

lOOk me in the eye

and say you're gonna be okay

"i'm gonna be ok"

thank God, good

as i encourage you

so do i encourage myself

and when you, like me, encourage someone else

don't forget it takes courage to encourage

and more courage to encourage

and more courage to encourage

someone like you

(dmsmdmsmdmsmdmsm)
(in the iconic A major, of course)